A couple of posts ago I was bemoaning the fact that the Tradition I belong to has changed their policies regarding clergy fees and its organizational structure. Surrogate made an amusing comment: “Damn those Organized religions, they’ll burn you every time.” Very witty and insightful on his part, though he may not realize just how much that comment has stuck with me. Well it has, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the organization that I belong to and how it is organized.

For the last year I’ve been babbling about how different Wicca is from Christianity because, for the most part, Wicca isn’t organized, there isn’t a set structure and doctrine. This is of course very different from Christianity, which has its Book, it’s set of ideals and rules and even though there are huge differences between sects of Christianity, when you get down to the basics you find the same roots.

For many this structure is what’s turned people off of Christianity. They’ve resented being told when, where and how to worship. In Wicca the doors are wide-open, worship where you want, when you want and in whatever way your heart tells you too.

The whole point in practicing Wicca is to get away from others telling you what to do and how to be Wiccan, at least for many. The more I learn about this Tradition I belong to, and the more I’m a part of the changes they are making to their structure I see them copying the Christian model. Now this in and of itself isn’t a bad thing since so many people like it and are happy with it. But it’s not for me.

I left Christianity for a number of reasons, and one of them was the desire to be free of structure. Remembering that I have to ask myself why did I join this tradition in the first place? And when did I forget my reasons for joining and get caught up in someone else’s ideas about how to be Wiccan?

I joined the Tradition because I wanted a more formal education. I was seeking some structure and the Witchschool that they provided suited my needs and desires at the time. There’s a lot of resentment in the Wiccan community because they offer education on line, but for me I didn’t have the time to join a live group. The online structure allowed me to work at my own pace, and in my own personal space. So it worked.

But somewhere I long the line I forgot that I was there to gain knowledge and that’s it. I got caught up in the ideas of being clergy, having status and really being able to brag a little that I’m “a first degree priestess”, “a reverend.” Etc. I’m both by the way, now, though I found that I never wanted to brag about it, and if fact I don’t like mentioning it because I feel it degrades other Reverends who’ve spent years in seminary, while my course only took six months. So if I don’t even like using that title, why have it? Why get caught up in needing the status when it really has nothing to do with my faith?

It’s a competitive and judgmental world, we, unwittingly sometimes, judge people because of their education, or lack of. Especially in the Wiccan community where it is so fragmented and we struggle with wanted the security of structure but balk at the thought of someone else controlling our faith. I saw having clergy status as a way of having personal structure and personal power if my faith ever came in to question by other Wiccan’s.

It all seems pretty ridiculous now and I realize that I’ve missed out on what really matters and that’s my relationship with the Divine. My interaction, and time spent with the Divine has been sorely lacking because I’ve focused on learning what someone else feels is important to the religion.

Most of my way through the second degree classes I had the same thought, “This doesn’t have anything to do with what I practice. I’m never going to use this in my Real practice.” Yet I learned it. Memorized it so I could pass the tests, bombed a couple- cuz I really didn’t care.

Now that I’m working on third degree classes I’m having the same thoughts. I bombed my last test for that very reason. I just don’t care because it means nothing to me faith.

So why am I bothering? I now ask myself. I’m not a quitter, I would regret it if I quit, I’d feel like even more of a failure if I just dropped it all and walked away. At least if I see it through, glean out what matters over the next year of my study, then I can choose to walk away well informed and knowing it was right to do so.

In the meantime I’m back to trying to focus on my relationship with the Divine. I’m finding that my relationship has changed as a result and that my path is moving in a new direction. This time a direction that is both mine and the Divine’s in the making, not one forced upon me by other people.

This new direction is leaving me with many questions, bringing up ideas I haven’t contemplated before and I am struggling to find the answers- in a good way. But that’s best left for another post…